Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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