She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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