Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize