my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i just google imaged poop.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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