god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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