I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
