Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
