On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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