Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
