I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize