He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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