Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
