When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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