when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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