It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You ate ashes out of my bong
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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