At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
