and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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