Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
