I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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