i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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