There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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