Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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