On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
