Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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