Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize