Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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