Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
