when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
