Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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