??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
