we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
4 words: hood of his car
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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