I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
