If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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