Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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