after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
