Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize