Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
