is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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