"it" just moved
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
