It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
