Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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