Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
