There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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