come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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