I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
