you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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