Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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