i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
