talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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