I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize