omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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