I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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