I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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