I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
