Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
