I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize