Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
