soooo we both peed the bed last night...
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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