my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I deserve this hangover.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
