He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
