i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
