I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
you made out with another girl for some wings
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
