I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
