Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
